Blog Challenge - Day 1 (Part 1)
Couldn’t find an image of apathy, so here’s a calming picture of a faceless emotionless figure staring into the distance.
Why am I apathetic?
Over the years, I have come to the conclusion that I am largely apathetic about most things. I just don’t seem to care about a majority of decisions, events, or things and I’ve never truly taken the time to consider why. Deciding on writing a blog post about my apathy gave me the perfect opportunity to actually reflect on it and here’s what I figured out.
Definition - What Exactly is Apathy?
First, I’ll clarify what I mean by apathy. Growing up and even til this day, I really didn’t care a lot about most things.
I don’t really care about food [I’ve learned to appreciate it and look forward to it on weekends and vacations]
I don’t care about things [a minimalist lifestyle would be my leaning but I’m married to a ‘maximalist’ haha], and
I don’t care about sharing my opinions with other people.
Recently, I learned of the term that I think I incorrectly attributed to apathy but is in fact equanimity. Especially in North America, being indifferent, uncaring, unemotional and otherwise plateau’d in one’s emotions, passions, or thoughts has a negative connotation. If you don’t care about what you eat, if you don’t have opinions about which movie or activity your group of friends are choosing between, and if you don’t communicate with your loved ones how they make you feel, it can come across as ungrateful or isolating. The way I interpreted it, I felt my apathy to most things boiled down my opinions to only the bare essentials - my family, my friends, and my personal aspirations. I didn’t care about what movie I spent $12 on with my friends because my goal was to spend time with my friends, not the movie. And if one of my friends who did care about what movie we watched had a stronger opinion because they cared about an actor, the cinematography or some director, then who was I to express a half-assed opinion otherwise.
Now I haven’t done enough research into equanimity to feel confident I can explain it justly but check out the first sentence on Wikipedia.
Equanimity is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind.
Whereas apathy has a clinical pathological association with many brain disorders, the sentiments of equanimity have ties to religious and spiritual enlightenment. I did often wonder if there was something weird about me, whether I was too logical or too emotionally unavailable or if I was a bad friend, child, sibling and son. Now, I’ve come to terms with myself, my values and my personality. I can’t say how much of my biochemistry makes me like this but certainly my personality and mindset are geared this way.
I don’t care about many things so I can focus on the few things that are precious to me. My family. My friends. My goals for achieving while I am alive.
Nothing else matters. I won’t remember my choice of food. I won’t remember my choice of movie. I won’t care about where I travel to next, as long as the focus and priority is on traveling with the people I love and care for.
Stoicism
In university and post-grad life, philosophy, principles of thinking and mindset became important considerations for how I wanted to live. Choices and decisions became increasingly grey in a world where I previously felt and operated in the black and white. Maybe it was a welcome to adulthood transition but with age, I started to be less strict with myself and even just keeping up to date with the news, felt that wrong and right or yes and no became more muddled. Stumbling into stoicism through books and references from Tim Ferriss, I think the appeal of stoicism is three-pronged.
A realist approach that revolves around the current state of affairs
A principled attention to equality and justice
A continued purposeful goal of personal improvement
The practicality that is advocated in stoic teachings as well as the pursuit of moderation resonated with my already temperate nature but now I had a name for it and some fundamental principles to better dictate the terms. I remember getting all excited about finding a philosophy. reading about it in my spare time, telling my coworkers that Letters from a Stoic by Seneca was my commuter reading. I remember reading about principles that rang true even now with current events.
Knowing that I will die. Knowing that I should maximize my potential every day while I am alive. Approaching a growth mindset focusing on my own improvement, recognizing my own flaws, and identifying the aspects within my control to change and those beyond my control have all boiled down my experience to what is truly changeable.
Upbringing
I think three particular lessons I learned growing up lend themselves to my “apathy”.
1. Life Goes On Even If Everything Isn’t Going Your Way.
If you asked my mom for my go-to phrase as a kid, it would be “Doesn’t matter”, “You choose” or “I don’t know”. These were my go-to phrases, especially in Cantonese where I’d self-identify as having a Grade 1 proficiency. When we went out to eat, it was just easier to eat whatever food was given to me, I didn’t need to think about it and my mom would choose something with meat, vegetables and a carb to fill me up. I think especially when it came to food, most things were fair game (except durian, bitter melon, and chicken feet).
My mom loves to tell the story about wanton noodles after church. Almost every Sunday for years, we would go for wanton noodles for lunch after church. Finally, one day, I told my mom that I didn’t like wanton noodles. For whatever reason, I didn’t express this opinion for probably 6 years but that one day decided to share it. I certainly wasn’t opposed to eating it. It didn’t harm me or injure me. I just didn’t like it and to this day, wouldn’t go out of my way to order it. But I think in those 6 years I learned the valuable lesson that I can do things that I don’t like…and that’s okay. I don’t need to love every decision, act, or thing I eat…and I can simply continue onward.
2. Material Goods Don’t Fill You.
Now, I never was one to spend a lot of money as a kid but I was always loosely aware of my family’s finances. Hand-me-down toys, wanting MacDonald’s meals so I could get a toy, and saving birthday money for years to splurge on something expensive were common patterns for me. My mother’s generosity and constant encouragement for me to spend money also built up an avoidance to take her up on that offer [Sorry mom, your plan backfired]. For whatever reason, I now pride myself in being frugal on myself.
If I can last one more month without buying X, Y, or Z.
If I already lasted so many months, do I actually even need/want X, Y, or Z?
What’s wrong with A, B, or C for me to want X,Y, or Z.
3. Death Is A Part of Life.
Simply by my family structure, I have and had a lot of older relatives. My dad is one of many children and as a result, I have a large paternal side of the family. I remember growing up always hearing about people dying. This uncle passed away. That’s why your father needs to travel back to Hong Kong. This aunt passed away. Your dad is going back to Hong Kong. Even growing up in Canada, I had my fair share of funerals to attend and although I probably wasn’t old enough to understand or appreciate the emotional importance or mourn because I didn’t particularly feel attached, the sheer number was a reminder that death loomed.
This sentiment apparently culminated when my aunt passed away. I don’t exactly remember what happened or the events leading up to the decision, but my family eventually decided to pull the plug on life-sustaining equipment. I don’t even truly remember how she died but I vaguely remember that she fell in the shower. My hospital-working mind likely suspects it was a hypotensive issue with a probable hemorrhage post-fall but either way, she was apparently unresponsive and the family eventually decided to pull the plug on her. My mom recounts that I blamed or accused the family of killing her. I absolutely cannot remember this claim, nor do I remember feeling so emotionally charged about the death. Maybe I blocked it out. Either way, I was probably 10-13 years old at the time and that was probably the 4th death.
Finally, I remember when my mother turned 60. There is superstition on my mother’s side of the family whereby none of the women in the family live past 60 years old. Now, I wouldn’t particularly call my family superstitious but they went through the whole rigmarole to explore funeral options, decide on cremation, and bring their children to their purchased columbarium plots. So trust me, considering the mortality of my family and my own mortality were definite defining moments in my life.
I think it ultimately gave me a sense of purpose and gratitude for the life I currently have and continues to be a motivating factor in my pursuit to be the best version of myself.
Final Thoughts:
The serendipity of my life experience, biochemicals, perspective on the world and family upbringing for whatever reason pointed me into this direction. I am blessed to have the outlook on life that I do and I’m definitely still working on my overall optimism and positive thinking despite my realist tendencies shooting down most ideas. I like to see myself as an outlier selective carer where most things don’t even register on my radar but the few things that matter to me, truly matter without comparison.
I couldn’t care less about what I eat because my intention behind going out to eat is primarily to socialize with the person I am eating out with. And in most cases, these types of decisions and choices are in the presence of other people [because things would go your way if you were doing them alone all the time]. If I had the opportunity to do an activity with a person that I don’t care about or do the activity alone, if I cared more about the activity, then I would simply do it alone instead.
I think my approach ultimately just puts me in a position of choice, of options. If I care, then speak up or do it alone. And if I don’t care, then shut up and let others who care make their case. Don’t give a half-assed choice purely for the sake of giving one because other people may actually care about those things - like a movie, type of food, place to go, activity to do. For me, I just want to focus on spending time with friends and it’s as basic as that.
And I think my tempered approach ultimately leads me to lead a chill life. Not too high, not too low. A rather calm existence where I can focus on and appreciate the little things in life that others may not because my intentions remain focused on the few.
Things like:
Sitting in silence and reading beside loved ones
Appreciating the amazing technology we have that allows me to remain in contact with friends and family across the country
Being grateful that I am financially stable, have a roof over my head, have clothes and food to meet my basic needs and still have enough to save up for things I want
There’s so many opportunities to appreciate in my life that do not revolve around having things always go my way or having things work out as I planned. I have the opportunity to fail at something and try again. I have the opportunity to “waste time” and pursue an interest without guilt or responsibility for dependents. I was born in an era where internet exists. There are so many things to be grateful for and appreciate that I feel unfazed by the negatives but also intentionally try to not get too happy about external validations and external rewards. In the same way that my reaction to negatives amplifies negative emotions, my reaction external positives amplifies positive emotion. By mastering and tempering my response to external positivity, I personally feel that I can control and master my own internal positivity, distinctly separate and unique from one dependent on external validation.
I don’t know if this perspective helps anyone but writing it down for myself is really encouraging to know that I am clear about what matters to me. Let me know if something resonates with you or if you felt completely different. As I better learn about myself, it would be great if others had insights that I could take and grow from.