When Did Failing Become So Uncomfortable?

Failure is a natural part of growing and developing.

We’ve failed all our lives and only through the process of failing over and over have we become more competent.

As individuals, we’ve failed over and over until we learned how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to speak a different language, how to play an instrument and so much more.

As a civilization and species, we’ve likewise failed countless times. We’ve failed a countless number of times exploring the vastness of our world, in understanding our own biology, and exploring space beyond our planetary constraints. We’ve pioneered in the arts, culture, created new industries and come to understand our world a hell of a lot better over millennia.

Failure is a part of our evolution, our body of knowledge, and is the backbone of our future accomplishments.

And yet, there comes a point in everyone’s life where we consciously or subconsciously become paralyzed with failure.

An invisible force of self-preservation, societal judgment, and fear of the unknown that manifested with claw-like grip around our adventurous thumping hearts.

WHAT IF creeps in the shadowy corners of our consciousness.

YOU SHOULDN’T nips our our heels, reminding us to fall in line and stay within the gated confines our safety.

WHAT WOULD _______ THINK? weighs heavily, exerting a gravitational pull that grounds us.

This seedling of fear and discomfort, although initially simply a speck in our vast minds, akin to a small pebble in a plowed field ready for crop, burrows deep and spreads its roots, cementing itself in our thoughts.

Now, I don’t know how to fix it.

I honestly have no real hack or promise or Hail Mary strategy to bypass, circumvent, or overcome it. And honestly, the alternative of a scorched earth teardown, obliterating your entire connected life to rid yourself of this fear, seems at best, a shot in the dark.

The most I know how to do is think about it.

Question why I am actually doing something.

Ask if I truly believe, trust, think, or feel a certain way. Or whether this was a mindset, framework of thinking or feeling that was incepted into my thinking.

Ask if I am doing something out of fear of failure and whether that fear of failure is in fact something that would be good to overcome.

For me right now, my defined benefits benefit government job is one of those ‘what if’ questions gnawing at the corners of my mind. Growing up, finding a safe, stable job was the dream. It was the dream because my parents owned their own business - and frankly, entrepreneurship had its own challenges and obstacles.

Likely, in their desire to protect me from struggles, insecurity of finances, the economic downturn and what not, the desire for job security ranked high for them.

And so, I know I am neatly tied to these golden handcuffs that are my pension.

Do I avoid thinking about leaving my job out of fear of trying something different and risking my pension? Absolutely.

The middle ground I’ve come to accept for myself is trying to do something new or on the side while I maintain my job security.

Now, as I said before, I don’t have a magic antidote or solution for breaking away from the fear of failing.

I think as long as I continue to push at failure, try to fail regularly and often, and am still able to try, I will grow.

I need to remind myself that failure is good; that failure is important to my growth; and that failure is a part of being human. It isn’t something that should be held like a scarlet letter but rather a badge of honour, a rite of passage, a show of experience and a courageous reflection of a pursuit of life.